Amor Fati

Derek

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:03:51 GMT

Everyday is amazing because I have you in my life.

Unforgotten

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:57:37 GMT

Derek acknowledged me for something I don't want to forget last night.

After telling him what happened at the coffeeshop, he said:

One of the reasons why I love you so much is your ability to be such a strong stand for something that it doesn't make other people wrong.

Only my soul mate can acknowledge me for that.

C is for Coffeeshop

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:07:34 GMT

Last night I went to Portfolio to read a book my sister sent me. What was I thinking? Whenever I go to Portfolio, I start talking to random strangers...ok, whenever I go out by myself, I invariably talk to random strangers. And when I mean talk, I mean, for hours. There must be something inside of me that yearns for this. Love for my fellow man is there...a deep love and interest in the affairs of every human life. It's the detective machine in me, ever trying to figure things out. But at closer look, this mere yearning for mental masturbation turns into a throbbing desperation. I desperately want to give myself so fully to Life that the explosion of my very being could touch every human soul. I want to be so connected to people that there is literally no distance or demarkation between us, but all I have are limited words to describe my dreams and the way I feel. I am left with a crushing loneliness, a feeling that I've never seen peace with. I wonder if this is how water in a cup feels, encapsulated from its inherent freedom, self-expression, and oneness with the universe.

He was a man in his 50's from Illinois who wore a suit. We didn't get each other's names, but we first met waiting in line for the restroom. He later came to where I was sitting and asked me if the seat next to mine was open. We talked about the rodeo/cowboy music that was playing that night. I said that I was from Long Beach and people here don't usually listen to music like this.

Where in Long Beach are you from?

North Long Beach, near Compton.

Oh, did you go to Jordan?

No, I went to Poly.

Oh, you're a smart one. Are you still in school?

No, I graduated.

Did you go to Cal State?

No, I went to UCLA.

Oh, a very smart one. What was your major?

Philosophy.

And what are you doing now?

I work in a restaurant and I work in a bank.

I guess you're not using that Philosophy degree.

Well, no, but I am writing my book.

What is it about?

How human suffering manifests as ego or compassion, why, and if it's possible to funnel human suffering into compassion. What I'm interested in is social enlightenment. Going off to Tibet, shaving my head, and praying all day for my salvation does not appeal to me.

That's interesting, but you can't change human nature. Some people are absolutely evil.

There is no evil.

Oh, evil absolutely exists! Just look in the newspaper everyday. Adolf Hitler was responsible for the death of millions of people...how is that not evil? Some 16 year olds from Long Beach just killed a girl. That is just evil! If that's not evil then what do you call it?

Perverted Love.

He chuckles.

All is love. Any distinctions in reality are an illusion. I believe that life should, and I hate to use the word should, but should be a progression towards self-same recognition. Basically, when you perceive something as different from you, you can kill it, destroy it, or enslave it. Take an example from history. White people vs. Black people. It was not recognized that Black people were the same as White people. We can say the same thing about Christians vs. Muslims and Athenians vs. Spartans. When Hitler and those boys killed another human being, they did not recognize that they were actually killing themselves. If I could push human consciousness one inch towards self-same recognition, it would be worth my life.

There absolutely is evil!

I looked into his eyes with a stand firm in my heart and said, there is no evil. Evil only exists as a construction of language.

He tried to give me examples of how evil can exist without language without avail. He was a person who respected the accolades on my wall so he couldn't go with the "damn, she's just plain stupid" rationale, so he tried to play the "oh, she's just too young and inexperienced" line. I could feel him fighting for his life. I knew he couldn't fully convince himself of that reasoning either.

So what do you say we do about murderers and killers?

Of course, we have to put them away to protect society, but I'm not interested in what to do to change our world. I want to transform it. In the reality I'm trying to create, there would be no murder. I don't know what to do about issues of universal healthcare, abortion, or illegal immigrants. What I'm interested in is transforming thought, the creator of all action. If I could transform thought, what we need to do will naturally follow. We cannot change reality by ennacting laws that make people respect each other. The Civil Rights Movement gave equal rights to Black people, all people, but there is still discrimination today. Change cannot come from the outside in, it must come from the inside out. I am not creating a political platform. I am creating a spiritual platform.

I had to leave him at this point to go pick up Derek, but he was adamant that evil exists. He said, someday I'll find out.

I said that I will if it makes him empowered and if it makes him happy. He gave me a shrug and I regret leaving him without these last thoughts:

There are over 6 billion realities on this earth.
One chooses their reality.
Why do you choose yours?
It seems like I'm making a big deal about a small word such as evil, but when you don't understand that "evil" does not denote any object in the world, you become a slave to that word and you become a slave to your own reality.

Hearing my own words yesterday made me feel powerful. It reignited my passion for life and renewed my faith in the purpose of my life and my dreams.

I believe everyone has within them a higher wisdom and when all thoughts are quieted and all doubts are left behind, you can go back to the very moment your soul chose to create your entire life. My destiny is so clear to me right now. I've known it all my life, but I've spent most of my life being so scared of the weight of great power and responsibility that I've begged death would free me from it.

I got for the first time last night why God sent Derek to me. God wants me to achieve my full potential. I am so present to the magic that is my life and the grace of being unreasonably generous, loving, courageous, and compassionate.

I have yet to fail my family and friends.

Tip of the Iceberg

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:47:59 GMT

I have no sense of when I'm being rude or awkward. I've been totally oblivious...until now. I have Derek as my social ineptness detector now and it's been going off a lot lately. Unfortunately, the detector tells me about 2 minutes after the fact when the damage has already been done. I don't care what people think of me, but it really bothers me when I make people feel bad.

Today at Sprouts Supermarket, I was being loudly skeptical about an advertisement for B12 injections to Derek. As my cashier was ringing up my items, he said that he heard it was good for you. I said, who told you that? He said, I guess I believe everything people tell me. I said, it sounds like you're a walking contradiction. Silence ensues while of course I'm thinking he needed to focus on counting my change accurately. We walk out and Derek says, that was not nice!

::SHOCKED:: HUH? WHEN? WHAT DID I SAY?

You just don't go around telling people that they're a walking contradiction.

WHY NOT?!

It's just not nice. You made him feel uncomfortable

::head desk::

It's like my brain blurts out random thoughts and I think I'm making sense because I complete the thought inside my head. Of course, I don't bother to share those thoughts, verbally, and what is a beautiful construct of logic inside my head becomes corrosive projectile vomit on my victim's egos. That's why I truly appreciate people who have this sense that there's more to me than what meets the eye.

In my guilt, I have obsessively thought about what I should have said:

You're a walking contradiction. Humans are not completely rational creatures, but it is precisely what makes our species deep, beautiful and provocative. And it makes us worthy of love...the greatest kind of love.

To Create and Uncreate

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 09:28:22 GMT

It's 2:30 am. I just realized that the pain stopped hurting. I'm too tired to even be sad.

70 031235, 501773024

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:35:44 GMT

You have no idea how much I love you.

6 Billion People, 6 Billion Ways to Suffer

Wed, 20 May 2009 01:00:54 GMT

Ever since I was 13, I have been absolutely fascinated by human suffering. Most of the time I'm desperate to find a cure for this terminal illness, but every once in a while, I have to stop and stand in awe of its genius. It is endlessly creative, inflicting its cruelty from annoyance to torture without discrimination. It is immortal, resilient, and resistant to chemotherapy. It is relentless! Everyday it is a part of me. It would be fine if I could quarantine myself and have it live and die with me, but I haven't been able to ignore the feeling of injustice that it is a part of every human life on the planet.

6 billion people, 6 billion ways to suffer.

Driving on the freeway on Mother's Day (or not driving, but parking), I came up with an idea:

Project Encyclopedia of Human Suffering

One of my first questions in my quest for understanding was WHY THE SUFFERING? WHY SUFFERING? What could account for or justify the suffering of every human being on this planet and every sentient being in the universe? I was angry and bitter at life and at God for a while.

Early on, I found a widely available explanation that I'll call the "earth school" theory. Basically, in some form or another, we're here to learn and/or to make our souls better. I had no better explanations, so I accepted it half-heartedly.

To my dismay, I found that behind the question of WHY once I've answered it is the question of IS IT WORTH IT? (Due to the shitty nature of rationality, I'm sure that there's a question behind that question as well.) At this point in my life, I'm leaning towards no and with that the very notion of learning leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Learning just sounds too good and positive for what we have to put up with here.

It was provocative back when I was 16 and I can't believe that the words of my first love still has an effect on me. He said consciousness was the wrong step in evolution.

Not all evolution occurs for the better. Billions of years of evolution has led me to this consciousness and here I am seemingly ungrateful. I would go on a rampage of bitterness, but I digress....

I was saying that the "earth school" theory is just not good enough for me.

What? Am I back to square one? If there's a WHY, it damn better be worth it. Sorry, the world has to make sense to me. It seems like the alternative to the "earth school" theory is random chaos and well, my soul can't take that shit.

I guess I'll have to keep looking.

Needless to say, I am FASCINATED by human suffering. TO EACH THEIR OWN SICKNESS!

I've thought that if human suffering could be quantified and saved up into one moment, it would shatter God into a million pieces; however, as I considered quantifying human suffering from low to high, say a paper cut to being skinned alive, I realized that I could never purport to be objective. Quantifying pain is joke really. Just look at the colorful cartoon faces on the standard pain scale in the emergency room.

The title encyclopedia is misleading for it has the connotation of objectivity and formality and I have no hope of either. Well, I like encyclopedia for its alphabetical order.

6 billion ways to suffer...starting with A.

A for apple.

For Tom, Someday

Tue, 19 May 2009 23:24:49 GMT

To submit to God is to not admit defeat, but to be reborn.

I'm sorry for my broken promises

Fri, 08 May 2009 07:39:07 GMT

I cannot and will not be a coward with love again.

Cracks in My Heart

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:12:31 GMT

As time goes by

What's running in the background gets louder:

If you're not in love with me now, you'll never be.

I don't want to waste my time or yours.

For now, will I cast it from my mind and live in ignorance?

Death is Merciful.

Freedom from The Past

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 07:23:25 GMT

I am in love with you.
I am no longer afraid.

Addiction. takes you away from me

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:08:22 GMT

Just another lesson in choosing love over fear.

I've been through this before, except this time, I'm not confused, I'm clear about my commitments, and I know what I must do.

It doesn't mean that it hurts any less.

Again, fear is triggered in me and I am sad and almost immediately, numb.

My connection to God, broken.

It hurts me to see someone I love hurt themselves--a liability for life investment--my heart strings connected to their life--my life without their presence.

Unlike alcoholism, the consequences of smoking are not as immediate or apparently life-threatening.

I'm at a loss as to how to get one to see the cost of being reckless with one's health.

Destruction is blind. Addiction shields the impact from view.

It's madness. There's nothing I can do. At first, I did not have peace.

In the pain, I re-realized my heart.

I choose love. There will be no justifications or Reasons accepted.

What I've found is a once in a lifetime experience.

I cannot live with myself knowing that I am a coward and knowing that I have once again stolen happiness away from my life.

I choose love.

I am committed to knowing myself as a courageous, loving, and fearless human being.

boredom is killing me

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:13:18 GMT

i'm seriously dying.

no ambition. no passion. no future to live into.

stagnant. potential squelched. soaked in pain.

desperation. breathing unbearable.

what happened to my life?

Woman

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:59:10 GMT

I LOVE being Derek's wife.

I feel like I've shown you a really ugly part of me.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:49:20 GMT

And I'm really embarrassed.

Why am I so crazy?

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:44:08 GMT

Can a chemical imbalance really fuck shit up this bad?

I forgot how complex I am

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:48:09 GMT

God, rid me of my womanhood.

I am ridiculous AGAIN!

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:47:14 GMT

i'm transforming my very notion of love.
[11:13:59 PM] Francine Dang: i've made my life based on this notion of love
[11:14:09 PM] Francine Dang: but it doesn't work anymore.
[11:14:34 PM] Francine Dang: i feel like my foundation is shaken.
[11:16:16 PM] Francine Dang: i choose you derek. i'm creating a new definition of love for us and for my life.
[11:16:36 PM] Francine Dang: i want to be free from my past
[11:19:22 PM] Francine Dang: i feel so used. all this time, i've wanted to be married IN ORDER TO not be a whore anymore.
[11:19:36 PM] Francine Dang: my notion of marrying for love was just a bull shit cover.
[11:24:02 PM] Francine Dang: i'm left feeling like my life was all a lie.
[11:24:31 PM] Francine Dang: but that's ok. i'm not going to be used by that lie anymore.
[11:33:00 PM] Francine Dang: i'm creating being present, loving, and fearless.
[11:35:24 PM] Derek Hobbs: feel better
[11:36:06 PM] Francine Dang: yes
[11:36:09 PM] Francine Dang: not numb anymore.
[11:39:02 PM] Francine Dang: love takes courage
[11:39:23 PM] Francine Dang: and i have plenty of that!
[11:39:28 PM] Francine Dang: ;)
[11:40:23 PM] Francine Dang: i miss just being with you and looking into your eyes.
[11:40:34 PM] Francine Dang: those eyes bring me such great peace.
[11:41:09 PM] Francine Dang: you're so amazing derek.
[11:41:36 PM] Derek Hobbs: (hug)
[11:41:45 PM] Francine Dang: i'm so lucky to have you in my life. i thank god.
[11:43:38 PM] Francine Dang: you challenge me to grow in places i never knew existed.
[11:43:56 PM] Francine Dang: i didn't know i still had a past that needed healing.
[11:44:04 PM] Derek Hobbs: =)
[11:44:58 PM] Francine Dang: i talk too much. god i'm ridiculous.
[11:45:04 PM] Francine Dang: spank me.

Strange Stray Thought

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 07:32:08 GMT

If I have a daughter, I wouldn't want her to be anything like me. I wouldn't want her to have my life--having to go through what I've experienced at such an early age. I don't want to be a paranoid, overprotective mother, but I'm torn. I love my life, but I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy.

I CAN'T BELIEVE FICTION IS DOING THIS TO ME.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 02:19:08 GMT

me: elizabeth

i need to be consoled

have you ever read something you absolutely LOVED and then the ending just SUCKED BALLS?

i can't believe fiction is doing this to me

Fox: Yup, that's happened to me

Um, this is why I read fanfiction

It makes me feel better

When's the last time this happened to me?

Ummm...

Well, only movies and such recently

What did you read?

OH, I KNOW

The Painted Bird

That happened to me at the end of The Painted Bird. I was just like, WHAT, WHAT??

And I didn't like the end of Pride and Prejudice, but I kind of dislike the whole book, so I wasn't that invested in it

me: how dare fiction do this to me...WAS THIS INTENTIONAL?

Fox: Well what did you read?

me: The Average American Male

heard of it?

Fox: Uhh no

It's fiction?

I can't believe you read fiction, voluntarily

Or was it voluntary?

me: yea..it's about a guys view about dating, life

yes, totally voluntarily. i loved it

at first

Fox: LOL

Well...

me: i love men and how they think

Fox: It might be one of those things that make sense later.

me: it was so raw

Fox: Like...the end of Perfume, Story of murderer

I hated, HATED the end at first

But the more I thought about it, the more I loved it and thought the whole movie was absolutely appropriate

me: that's absolutely beautiful..

Fox: Also, Harry Potter

The epilogue makes no sense, whatsoever

me: i don't think The Average American Male is going to have that effect on me

Fox: But...the more I thought about it, the more it makes sense.

Well...nothing I tell you at this point will make you feel better about the book

I'll have to read it to give you my own analysis of it

I tend to be very forgiving of authors who "screw up"

And I always try to think, "well, maybe it's not a screw up"

me: the guy just GIVES UP and gives into marrying his girlfriend, the end.

i was so hopeful for him

Fox: Maybe he was accepting that that is a leap of faith?

Maybe he had to go outside of his comfort zone for something he will never truly understand?

Maybe he didn't give up but rather leaped.

me: that is quite noble..

but the book isn't as contemplative as you.

Fox: Well...you never know

Maybe the book is actually contemplative but tries not to appear so

Because a lot of guys do that.

They hide who they truly are.

me: he comes to a realization that all women are the same. so no matter who he dates, he's going to be dating the same girl anyways

so mind as well marry this one

Fox: So it's rational

It's a very rationalized way of looking at it. He might as well not date anymore. It's all going to be the same.

me: i was hopeful.

Fox: Well...the whole book wanted you to be hopeful

me: IT DID

FUCKER

Fox: but it gave you an ending that is not satisfying but true to the character.

If he does find the ONE girl who is different and marries her...

That is a fantasy

And it is also illogical

me: did the author intentionally fuck with me with this?

like he just needed an ending

Fox: But if the whole book's premise is to build up to the conclusion that all the women he dates will be the same, then it is a logical ending

me: so he chose that one

Fox: No...he could have gone on, I think.

But I think maybe that ending is truest to the story and the character

authors should never write books that satisfy the reader.

me: what a sad...sad character

Fox: It's not about the reader's own satisfaction

It should always be totally about the character

Because otherwise...you'll just be reading about yourself.

me: i was just so hopeful elizabeth. that's all

Fox: And none of us really want to read about ourselves and what we wish for. Because we already know what we want.

Ehh...

Maybe you should read fanfic

It'll give us the stories we want.

Because that's what it's there for.

me: i'm seriously considering it

Fox: LOL

Now you know why we read fanfic

me: i need to be consoled

Fox: Now the tricky thing is for you to find fanfic for that book

I'm not sure if it exists

Or you can write one yourself

me: oh god.

Fox: And make it exactly the story you want it to be

me: i don't know how fanfic of this story would be like

Fox: That's therapeutic too

LOL

me: i'm starting to accept the ending now

Fox: I don't know, start by googling?

LOL

Okay good

me: now I'M giving up

lol

Fox: I always end up accepting the end of books....but it doesn't necessarily mean I like them.

I like books that push me.

Otherwise, if books always make me feel good...then that's kind of boring.

Of course, I will read things that make me feel good

But I also want to read books that make me feel angry, or passionate

Okay I shouldn't say "books" because this is kind of my philosophy regarding all art

me: i guess i went into this book wanting to get happiness from it...and it did for 99 out of 100 chapters

the ending just killed me

Fox: Hmm...

If you want a book to make you feel a particular way, then you need someone to recommend you one

me: i didn't see it coming, although i should have

Fox: Because otherwise...it might turn out completely badly

Not what you were expecting

If only you do fan art or write fanfic

me: i feel like i wasted time reading the book

Fox: Because now I ask for what I want to read

Nah, you shouldn't feel that way

You liked it 99 out of 100 chapters

me: yea...

Fox: That's a lot of enjoyment

When there's a story I want to read that I can't find...I'll request it, in exchange for fan art

I've been doing that for HP

me: ::sigh::

I can feel my happiness slipping away.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 01:33:43 GMT

Please God, let me keep this one thing. I'm not ready to let it go yet.

I'm HAPPY Today

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:34:40 GMT

I had such a great weekend with Derek.

So much fun. So much love in my life. I am so lucky.

I went to a Depression Group today and it really solidified who I know and create myself to be.

I am a strong, loving, and peaceful woman.

Dear God, thank you for my life.
Dear God, please don't let me forget.

Sitting Alone

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 01:13:27 GMT

I found that I'm never alone. I was never alone and I will never be alone.

Unconditional Love and Acceptance

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:38:16 GMT

I love myself even though I have pock marks on my face.
I love myself even though I'm not a size 0.
I love myself even though I'm not witty.
I love myself even though I take care of others before I take care of myself.
I love myself even though I don't understand Chapter 5 of relational databases.
I love myself even though I don't understand Windows Server 2003 Infrastructure.
I love myself even though I'm not perfect.

I forgive myself for causing myself so much pain.
I forgive myself for making mistakes.
I forgive myself for not understanding the theory behind Relational Databases.
I forgive myself for not understanding Windows Server 2003 Infrastructure.
I forgive myself for hurting the people in my life.
I forgive myself for loving too freely and too deeply.

I love and forgive myself for being human.

Icing on Mud

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:12:16 GMT

There's so much to love about me. I am an amazing person. I know I am. But all that love boils down to, so what? So what if I'm smart. So what if I'm pretty. SO WHAT. I can't attack this from the outside in; self-love has to come from the inside out. And inside, there's all this frustration, self-loathing, bitterness, anger. What's happening to me? I used to be so happy. so happy....

My depression is winning. Oh please, God help me.

Francine, I'm saying this because I love you. I wake up every morning because of you. I make myself get out of bed. I make myself take a shower. I make myself put on make up and do my hair. I make myself dress up. I do this all for you, because I love you. You're so great and I admire you so much. You've been through so much and I am so proud to see you still here being all that you are. You're a survivor. You are strong. so strong...We're going to get through this. We can get through anything together. I promise I will try my hardest to be kind and gentle to you. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss your ethereal happiness. Remember her? We need to fight this...fight until the very end.